


Beautifully Broken and Beautifully Lost

by fluidadoration



Series: IKON AUs - I'm in too deep [2]
Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Physical Abuse, Twisted, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 15:11:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10596600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluidadoration/pseuds/fluidadoration
Summary: Hanbin thinks he must be Jiwon's best canvas yet, the way he is continuously decorating his skin with new blooming flowers of different shades of purple, blue, and red. After all, his lover has always been particularly gifted in the arts. It hasn't really hurt for a long time now.It's okay because Jiwon just loves him madly.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Check the tags! This is some dark shit...
> 
> Hi lovely gay ship seekers  
> Well uhm, I really don't know what this is... It sort of happened... I'm really just a happy, content mushroom, I didn't know I had all this worrisome angst in me :D
> 
> This is not supposed to advertise, romanticise or idealise physically or mentally abusive relationships!! This is literature (sorta I guess). 
> 
> I just wanted to try writing more serious stuff and since I've been watching too much American Horror story lately, this turned out to be much more violent than I expected geez...
> 
> I feel kinda uncomfortable posting this but I really wanna get feedback on my writing coz I used a very different style and wrote much more... Flowery?  
> Anyway, enjoy!  
> (maybe I'll feel ambitious someday and write a second part)
> 
> Edit 04/15/18: Second part coming soon!!

It's a shocking realization to Hanbin that he would _die_ for Jiwon.

His whole life Hanbin believed himself to be a very self-centered person and although it is lonely at times, it is also the reason for his success. Still, Hanbin looks at the man in front of him and he sees 185cm of gorgeous barely contained anger and disappointment in this world and Hanbin is sure he has never loved a person as much as he loves Kim Jiwon. Hanbin asks himself every day how he fell in love with someone so drastically dissimilar to his own person because Hanbin is, despite all of his destructive ambition and egoism, a bundle of brightness, hope and laughter with a spoon of bashfulness.

Jiwon and Hanbin met in university and Hanbin fell madly for brutal smiles, the smell of cigarette smoke and ripped jeans. Hanbin still wonders what he saw that day, what captured his attention, what spoke to the small part of his heart that longed to love so selflessly and wholly.

Because Kim Jiwon is anything but lovable. He is violent and furious and heartless and also the person meant to be at Hanbin's side as it seems.

Hanbin has learned so much about himself, Jiwon taught him so much. Hanbin never knew about his morbid masochism, about the need to be loved, for his head to be cradled like that of a newborn child and contrarily his need to care for someone.

And Jiwon and Hanbin fit each other like key and lock do.

It's even more shocking that this unexpected realization comes to Hanbin now, at the worst of all moments. _It has never been this bad._

Jiwon has always been merciless and borderline sadistic, the opposite of gentle and tender and Hanbin feels himself dying a bit every time, feels himself losing control, unable to hope and it gets harder to remember the good things with each blow even though Jiwon always tries to make up for the countless bruises and cuts he has left on Hanbin's body

Hanbin knows it's wrong but Jiwon needs it, has to have control and dominance and would not be able to stop even if he wanted to. It's a trip and Jiwon's the drug addict. Hanbin wants Jiwon to let it all out, wants to help with all his might even if it ends up killing him.

But today, today Hanbin is scared. Although, it's definitely not the first time he fears his lover, it has never been to this point, being frozen and feeling bile rise in his throat. Jiwon's deceptively handsome, angular face looks unnatural in the harsh lighning of the bathroom of their shared apartment, terribly cold and distant as his fingernails cut the skin of Hanbin's neck. Hanbin cries out in pain and fear.

"Jiwon! Jiwon!! Please! IT HURTS!" He begs, tears rolling down his bruised skin as he struggles weakly against the strong hold Jiwon has on him.

Jiwon growls like a caged animal in response, his eyes convulsing in anger and his fingernails continue to draw blood. Hanbin throat scratches when another desperate plead leaves his pink lips. He doesn't know why it's so bad today. Hanbin doesn't recognize Jiwon anymore and his vision swims when another hit throws his head to the side. Jiwon looks hardly sane right now and Hanbin has the impression that this person kicking his back, slapping him senseless isn't, can't be his Jiwon.

The person who isn't able to leave Hanbin because he loves him too much, his Jiwon who spoils him rotten, who is eaten alive by the guilt. Jiwon isn't stupid, he knows Hanbin is the only person who would stay at his side despite his flaws, the only person he has ever loved this blindly, this madly, has lost the bright glow to his eyes and doesn't eat as much as he used to, doesn't laugh as much as he used to, flinches at sudden movements and whimpers at sudden noises and cries out in his sleep. _And it kills him._

Hanbin sobs loudly at the pain which is covering his body and he hears his pulse pounding in his ears. His joints tremble and his vision blackens after the next hit. Hanbin feels disoriented and his mind is getting hazy.

"J-Jiwon..." He stutters, voice broken and quiet with exhaustion. He reaches out a hand towards Jiwon's cheeks. A spark of recognition appears in his lover's eyes but it drowns in the fury and Hanbin's unfocused eyes widen in terror when he's thrown to the ground. His head hits the ground and a silent scream of horror leaves him as Jiwon steps onto the hand that tried to caress the flawless skin of his cheeks. A deafening crack resounds in the room.

Hanbin screams, indescribable pain makes him lose all senses and his eyes roll back until there's only white to be seen. He can't breath, his mind struggles to keep up with this, his reality and he vaguely recognizes the wetness on his face as a new onslaught of tears.

Suddenly, something inside him snaps and all his muscle loose all strength and tension. Hanbin identifies it belatedly as his body's capitulation. His mind and body have given up and Hanbin lays on the ground unmoving as Jiwon starts showering his broken and bruised body with kicks. His black boots against Hanbin's once smooth milky white skin that is now a color palette of green, purple, yellow and blue bruises, like the one Jiwon uses for his beautiful paintings.

A part of him wants to laugh, he is Jiwon's canvas -his lover is simply _painting_ on him- and Hanbin distractedly thinks he has to be very beautiful now. After all, Jiwon has always been particularly talented at the arts.

Hanbin doesn't bother calling for help, everything is just dull now and Hanbin thinks that if his death is what Jiwon needs that he will gladly comply. He doesn't feel his body anymore, doesn't feel himself trembling and doesn't hear himself whimpering. Everything is just dull now.

The floor in front of Hanbin's eyes is red with his blood but the image is slowly darkening with each passing hit, Hanbin struggles to turn around to see his lover one last time.

Jiwon towers over him and Hanbin lets his lifeless orbs soak in the features of his Jiwon, his sharp jaw, his angry eyes, his dark brown locks and the lip ring, the bunny teeth he is embarrassed to show. Hanbin briefly wonders what it is that tortures Jiwon, the demons he has refused to show Hanbin who had wanted to say that he already felt them everyday anyway but bit his tongue because it would have hurt Jiwon and Hanbin doesn't hurt that. So the smaller brunette had climbed on his lover's lap and kissed the shadows out of his gaze.

Hanbin wishes he could to that one last time, kiss Jiwon and be granted with one of his sacred smiles, the one that could light up a room but rarely ever did so. Very few people have seen it more than once and Hanbin is still overwhelmed that he was allowed to.

Though, what he sees when he looks up is a hateful scowl and brutal narrowed eyes glaring at his bloodied, bruised body like he's pathetic and unworthy to stay at his site.

Hanbin tastes the blood on his tongue and he thinks that it's time. He is tired and broken, it's enough now, he can't do it anymore but if it has helped Jiwon even just a little bit Hanbin thinks the pain was worth it, after all he has never loved a person as much as he loves Kim Jiwon.

Hanbin smiles full of relief as he closes his eyes, the distant scream of shock of a new voice gone unnoticed by his fading mind.

 

 

 

Goo Junhoe can't bear to look at his friend who seems to drown in the white sheets of the hospital bed. He buries his head in his hands, closing his eyes only to open them again with a choked sob breaking free from his lips when the only thing he sees is Hanbin on the cold tiles, shaking in a pool of his own blood, broken and beaten but smiling up at the person who has torn him apart and cut him into pieces.

Junhoe draws in a shaky breath and blinks away the tears in his tired eyes.

In hindsight, he has noticed the changes in behavior of his best friend in the last years, how he barely ate and slept, how he was always jumpy and always wore long sleeves even in the summer. Junhoe grits his teeth and clenches his hands. _Why didn't I do something?_ His gaze falls on the bruised skin of his best friend. _I am the only one who could have done something._ It wanders up to Hanbin's swollen face and he wants to scream.

_I knew something was up with Hanbin and Jiwon but I-_

Junhoe breaks down in tears, desperately gasping for air when he thinks about all the pain Hanbin willingly endured for Jiwon, out of love, _for years_. And that, Junhoe thinks, is the worst part. They love each other wholly, _madly_ , Hanbin once said when Junhoe asked him about it. He has seen it, the way they love each other and mad is the way Junhoe would describe it. He wouldn't have thought it possible to love so deeply and centre-shiftingly if he had not been witness of the way Jiwon and Hanbin look at each other, or rather looked. He wouldn't let that bastard near his precious best friend _ever again_. Junhoe claws at his own skin, the guilt he feels is unlike anything he has ever experienced and he is getting crazy with the need to do something, to make up for his faults, to see Hanbin's usual bright smile.

Junhoe doesn't think he will ever forgive himself. He will live with this guilt and his cries increase in volume at the prospect of Hanbin not forgiving him.

"A-ah..."

Junhoe's head snaps up and he almost laughs at the sound because Hanbin always croaks like this, waking up after another night spent on the small couch of their shared music studio. He rushes to his friend's side and watches Hanbin slowly open his eyes, flinching at the movement of his bruised skin. He watches but he doesn't _recognize._

Hanbin looks at the ceiling, blinking blearily but there is only pain, only fear and death. A shudder passes through his injured body and before Junhoe can rush to reassure him, to hold him, Hanbin beautiful, determined Hanbin, starts _screaming_. Junhoe is up and out in the hallway calling for help not a second later because the sound, the scream is terrible and hopeless filled with inhumane sadness and _longing._ Hanbin screams and screams even as nurses and doctors come rushing down the hallway.

Then, he vomits.


End file.
